The cost of a Child

If you are lucky enough to be my Facebook friend it means that once upon a time we had a good relationship and I have no qualms with telling you my personal business. I am about to share something with you, something that is very tender. If you don't want the details to our story don't read it will include female anatomy and bodily functions!

Last year I left Facebook because of everything I was personally going through. I couldn’t physically, emotionally, or mentally keep up with it. Life has hit really hard in many ways, but the most bothersome is what other typical women can do so well, and my body can’t do. This will be the first time that I speak out publicly other than in my unique Facebook support groups. Nick and I are Barren. I will let those words sink in and then I will tell you what that means to us.

Nick and I knew a long time ago that children weren’t going to come natural to us. Whatever gave us that clue.. Maybe the fact that we have been married for 11+ years and we still don’t have a child. When we moved to Boston, in the back of our minds we knew that this would be the place to discover what has been wrong with us all these years. Finally doctors that listened to us. Finally doctors fighting on our side. The horrible awful truth came out and I want to shed some light on things that many people don’t know exist. In fact there are only a few doctors in the world that treat it and I happen to live near one. Coincidence? We don’t think so.

Asherman’s Syndrome: Where the uterus has adhesions (scar tissue) typically due to a D and C but can form in other ways. Some cases are mild, moderate, or severe and the scar tissue can be in the cervix or located in a singular place in the uterus(mild) or everywhere (severe). I was, unfortunately, a severe case although I had never had a D&C or other surgery to cause it. Everything was scarred shut including my cervix.

Right before my surgery to remove my scar tissue I was also told that I had a low ovarian reserve (aka low # and quality of eggs) This was another devastating blow to my womanhood. If you thought that my womb being filled with scar tissue and that my eggs being crap wasn’t bad enough we also found, through a biopsy of my uterus, that I had gone through menopause (it wasn’t active at all). I had no idea that not having a period for over a year qualifies and considered the start of menopause. Looking back I figured out that it had to have happened in my mid to late 20’s.

At this point we had no choice but to have either given up on our dream to become parents and call it a loss or have surgeries and go through hell to figure it out. We chose the latter and surgery after surgery-pill after pill we finally got to the point where my uterus was reactivated and 80% scar free and we were cleared for our first round of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). We had no other choice because of all the factors, the 20% of scar tissue covered both my tubes, my low egg reserve, and I didn’t ovulate on my own. I was on the highest dose of several meds that I injected into my tummy multiple times everyday. This process was unpleasant but we were hopeful that the results would be worth it.

Finally the time came to see if all of our $$ was wasted, and Happy news came! We were pregnant. We were so happy, but also hesitant to tell people and to really enjoy the news. As we entered our 6th week appointment to hear the heartbeat for the first time we were giddy. The ultrasound tech did her thing in silence and then called the doctor in. They began to whisper, she said we were done and started to clean up, I quickly asked if I could hear the heartbeat. She put her hand on my knee and very gently told me that there wasn’t one. They handed me a box of tissues, apologized, and walked out. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even cry at this moment. We went to see our doctor immediately after and as the receptionist read the letter from the previous test she looked at the tears rolling down our checks and brought us to a room where we could be alone. We were told that the pregnancy was simply not viable but they would double check everything in a week to be sure. It was the hardest week, after reading and hearing a lot of miracle stories I thought I was also going to have one of them, but I didn’t. The pregnancy wasn’t viable, so we schedule a removal for two days later in the OR. The pain-numbness-faith shaking emotions we went through during this time were heart shattering.

The doctor took out the sac and just like that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, or so I thought. A few days later I started experiencing a lot of bleeding and told them what I was feeling and seeing and asked if it was normal because it didn’t feel normal. They reassured me that I was fine and I had a scheduled test the following day and they would see then. Turns out that my HCG levels were still very high and I knew exactly what was wrong. I ignored that doctors office and went back to see my Asherman Syndrome doctor the next morning. I had an ultrasound that showed that a large chunk of baby stuff was stuck in my uterus. She then prepared me for an in office surgery. At this moment I paused and said a prayer asking God to not let it hurt and to take the pain. I have had several of these in-office procedures (Called hysteroscopies) They take scissors and cut things out of your uterus. This time it would be what was left of my baby. The miracle came… I was on the table and realized that I couldn’t feel a thing. Unfortunately, for me, it was really stuck and I was scheduled for surgery in the next few days.

Emotional Pain

Physical Pain

Mental Pain

I was finally in the healing process as they tested my blood once a week to see if my HCG levels were lowering. They were, but slowly. It took over two month to get them to zero and then I was supposed to wait for a period which we both knew wouldn’t come because it’s not something my body does naturally.

Come 2019 I thought I would jump back on board and go straight into my second round of IVF, well that didn’t happen. I forgot that my body doesn’t work. I had to go in and have more scar tissue removed (twice) before I was ready to go. Then finally blood work and waiting for another period (which never came) and we were off on our 2nd round.

I have mentioned that during this time and with all of the hormone therapy I was on, I gained weight. A LOT of weight. This was another big physiological problem that I was going through. I last saw my IVF doctor in October 2018 and then I saw her at the end of January 2019 and her face at how much weight I had gained was indescribable. She asked what happened and I blamed it on the meds she gave me. She bluntly told me that her “meds” didn’t make me put cookies in my mouth and gain 30+ lbs. I was so angry! However, she sent me to someone who would help and I was put into a program and lost 25 lbs before I got pregnant at the end of April! Hate her, but grateful for her :)

They changed my IVF protocol and told me that it was experimental, so it may or may not work. All I needed was 1 healthy embryo from all this and we would be good to go. Lucky God was on our side and all we had was 1 decent embryo from the round and that little baby decided to grow. Against all odds and our hesitation… this pregnancy has progressed and we couldn’t be happier.



Our one and only!

I am considered a high risk pregnancy because of the complications with Asherman’s Syndrome, so we have gotten a lot of attention and still need a lot of prayers. 

We have had a few scares, but we have also had a lot of laughs.

Going through all of this has made us realize so many things the first and foremost being that God loves us and wants us to be happy. He will heal and give miracles in his timing and not our own. People kept telling me for years to have faith and patience and I started to question my faith because I thought I had enough… turns out that so many people don’t talk about the other part that is not in our control, timing.

So grateful for everyone's support and love, especially from my little family!